The #1 Reason Women Don’t Want to Negotiate

Having coached hundreds of women in their compensation negotiations at work, I noticed a particular pattern that came up. The most frequent hesitation from my clients was…

“I don’t want them to think I’m greedy.”

Women are frequently concerned about being perceived as “greedy” and thus damaging the relationship with others when trying to negotiate. My clients are mainly negotiating in three different compensation scenarios:

1. New job offers: they are negotiating with their future bosses or colleagues. They are excited about a new job offer but disappointed by the compensation package. They want to negotiate higher compensation but they’re concerned about starting their new jobs off on the right foot. They don’t want their brand new colleague to get the wrong impression of them before they even start their jobs.

2. Raises: they are negotiating with their current boss or colleague who they have a longstanding positive relationship with. They value these relationships professionally, and sometimes also personally, and are hesitant to damage those relationships. However, they’re feeling conflicted because they have been performing well in their role (and quite often, overperforming) and want their compensation to reflect their performance.

3. Promotions: they got promoted and now have substantially more responsibilities. They are feeling grateful for the recognition that comes with a promotion but are shocked at how small of a raise they received with the promotion. They are feeling conflicted because they don’t want to seem “ungrateful”.

In all three of these scenarios, my clients express a deep fear that others will think they’re being “greedy” when they negotiate. They come to me thinking that these two concepts – increased compensation and positive relationships – are in direct contrast with one another. But they’re not. You can negotiate a higher compensation while also maintaining, and sometimes even strengthening, your relationships with your boss and your peers. I will tell you how.

Negotiation is not just about compensation, but compensation is definitely important.

Now, when it comes to negotiation, I don’t want to be overly focused on money. We tend to associate the word “negotiation” with salaries when talking about it in a gender context because so much light has been shed in the last few decades about the gender pay gap. It’s an important topic – in fact, I wrote a blog post on the three myths about the gender pay gap. And compensation can give so many women the financial freedom that they seek to live life on their own terms.

However, there are so many additional aspects of our professional and personal lives that are worthy of negotiation and can bring us happiness which is why I started this blog in the first place. For now, let’s address the fear of being perceived as “greedy.”

“Be more confident!”

If you look on social media, you might get the impression that all you need in order to negotiate is to “be more confident!” I frankly think that’s problematic and unhelpful for three reasons:

1. It’s not a lightswitch. If we could simply turn on a lightswitch and be more confident with sheer willpower, women would have done that already. The problem is that there are deep-seated reasons for why we might not be feeling confident about negotiating.

2. It’s overly simplistic. It does not take into account how social inequalities and the various lived experiences might impact our confidence levels. For those who have a profound trauma history, difficult family relationships, been “othered” for prolonged periods, lacked support networks – it may be even more difficult to find the inner confidence to negotiate and self-advocate.

3. It’s victim-blamey. It unintentionally sounds like it’s blaming women – because if they were simply more confident in negotiating, then they would be paid more. But the problem is way more complicated than that and I will explain more below.

Don’t get me wrong – I love following content on social media that celebrates women and I love being the ultimate hype woman for my clients. For some women, a nudge from a cheerleader can go a long way. But for many of my clients, the need to be seen as a “team player” is overwhelming and while having a cheerleader is nice, it’s insufficient to get them to negotiate.

Why is the fear of being seen as “greedy” so overpowering?

Research has shown that women are expected to be “community-minded” because of the stereotypical view of women. Think about it – the worst insult that our society throws at women is that they’re “selfish”. Women are supposed to be nurturing, caretaking, and other self-sacrificial traits.

Research has also shown that when women violate that stereotype (e.g., advocate for themselves by asking for higher compensation), it comes at a high social cost; they are perceived as greedy.

When men exhibit these same behaviors, they do not have to deal with as much backlash because people do not have the same stereotypical expectations of them. Men can negotiate their own salaries without being perceived as greedy.

A couple of side notes:

• It’s important to note that there are variations between these expectations for women and men when you break down by race

• This research was conducted on a gender binary.

• I go into more detail on my free webinar if you want to learn more

I don’t necessarily think that being perceived as community-minded is a bad thing – in fact, I think the world would be a better place if men embodied these traits as much as women do. But it’s the unequal expectation of these traits that are damaging and creating gender disparities.

I believe this is why over a lifetime of these interactions, women instinctively learn to protect their reputations, even if it comes at a personal (financial) cost. It’s inaccurate to simply say women need to be more confident – when in fact, women are reading the room accurately and making an informed tradeoff between their compensation and maintaining positive relationships.

This really puts women in a lose-lose situation. They can either give up their salary increase or they risk being perceived negatively by their new boss. (Research also shows being perceived as “unlikeable” can have long-term damaging effects on a woman’s career.)  It’s an infuriating predicament.

Strategies around gender bias

Don’t worry. While it may seem hopeless and even exhausting to think about, there are strategies that can help you get around this gender bias. I teach these strategies in more depth in my free webinar, How to Negotiate Without Being Perceived as “Greedy” but I’ll also cover some of them here.

I promise, these strategies work!

These strategies might sound a bit too simple to you, thus raising an eyebrow with skepticism. I get it – my clients are also skeptical because they seem so straightforward. But benchmarking and win-win framing strategies are proven strategies that work for everyone, particularly for women to navigate gender bias.

In fact, a 2020 study in Germany found that when women didn’t believe the gender-specific strategies would work for them, they were more likely to rely on stereotypically male strategies like assertiveness. This actually led to worse outcomes for them. Give these strategies a chance!

By using the above strategies, you can increase your chances of getting a salary that reflects your skills and experience and that you are paid fairly without being perceived as “greedy”.

Lastly, be kind to yourself

Negotiating your salary can be a daunting task. Very few of my clients come to me simply for strategic advice. The majority are wrestling with a lot of conflicting emotions, fears that are coming up throughout the negotiation process, and thoughts that are overcrowding their heads. These feelings of overwhelm can bring some to the point of emotional exhaustion.

Negotiation is a marathon, not a sprint – take the time to fill your cup so you’re not running on empty. Be proud of yourself for taking the time to learn how to negotiate and investing in yourself. Surround yourself with the support you need to get to the finish line.

Remember, you deserve to be paid what you’re worth. You’re not greedy for wanting that.